(Jamey takes a deep breath). It looks like modern day soap fans actually do want plot driven cartoonery from their daytime sudsers (source: Soap Opera Network) and angry bloggers like me need to start trying to analyze something we actually understand— like Calculus. The only problem with that is I made D's in math in high school— unless I had someone to cheat off of— which is why Luke Kerr worries about phrases like "search engine optimizylophone" for DC and I worry about missing my meds in order to stay "sassy" enough to keep writing about this tired industry (save for DAYS and GH, more on those soaptastic gems later).
This week I am writing from my swank room at the Funny Farm for Fashionable Blondes, frequented by the likes of Y&R's Sharon Newman (Sharon Case) and Ashley Abbott (Eileen Davidson), who go bat poop cuckoo whenever they have sex, or read Restless Style. Oh...you're wondering how I got to go to a nuthouse for blondes? Well silly rabbits, Patty died my hair in the hospital, just before she took over my life, and forgot to pay my taxes on time (psychotic, irresponsible, procrastinating bitch). Do you like? Snort, oh wait, as if you can see my hair from inside your 'puter screens! I so silly! I pop, just like Yvonne Zima.
Anyway, I made such bad grades in math, because I was busy reading Soap Opera Weekly under my notebook, and/or The Babysitters' Club. If, after all this time, I am truly, truly—truly, truly, truly outrageous! Focus Jamey, you filthy sonofabitch! (slaps myself before writing "I Hate Cheese, Okay I Really Don't, But I'm Lactose Intolerant, So It Hates Me" on a mirror, in my room, in red lipstick— unable to pinpoint what soap fans want (which Y&R's ratings this week clearly proves) then whatever am I to do with myself?
I guess there's always that raunchy adult Babystitters Meets Lucky Chances sequel I wanted to write, that sees Kristy Thomas running a nanny agency that is really a front for high class hookers. Note to self: Send Scholastic a pitch...
"Who am I? Where am I? What have you done with my babies? I heard them cry? I'm horny! No, I'm empowered! I'm horny and empowered! Does that mean I'm onery? I don't know. Did my twin take my babies and put them on the black market, or on the back of my Uncle-Daddy's prize, show Palomino, where they galloped off to a frozen pond and drowned? Not the babies you morbid bastards, the horse and Uncle-Daddy! Did Angelina adopt one? Did Kate Gosselin think they were two more of hers?"
— Sharon Valene Newman-Ewing-Barnes-Agretti-Ortega-Fairgate, Knots Crestless.
What I, and many among the online soap blogging community (We feel your pain Na'Vell) consider to be the worst week for The Young and the Restless possibly ever, saw ratings for the serial skyrocket. Y&R gained a head-scratching 282,000 total viewers over the previous week and is up total viewers 118,000 people year-to-date. Y&R went up two-tenths of a ratings point in households, and went up one-tenth of a point among women 18-49. I really don't have much to say here. I said it all last week, but apparently a lot of fans disagree, so carry on Aunti Ri Ri and UnclePaul. Maybe your poop really does smell of pomegranate essence and fresh, ripe nectarines on a Spring day in Texas, like all those interviews attest?
I know, how's about for shits and giggles, why not bring on Lily's evil twin Violet— a sassy, girl gang member with dookie braids and hoop earrings, who can't read a lick? That will definitely "pump" things up a bit, but since the late Bill Bell pretty much already did that one, and we knowRi Ri likes to jazz up his old stories , why not make Violet be deaf and club footed, yet able to hear every, single word everyone's saying for miles around, and be able dance the Tango at a moment's notice at the Colonade Room Crimson Lights? What, voice in my head? What's that you say? You say that doesn't make not one bit of good, doggone sense? Well D-U-H this is the NEW Y&R!
Y&R's sister sudser, The Bold and the Beautiful benefitted from it's elder sister's lead in, gaining 187,000 viewers over the previous week. B&B also went up one-tenth of a ratings point in households and among women 18-49. As The World Turns went up 14,000 total viewers over the previous week, yet maintained stagnant in households and among women 18-49.
After Y&R's frustrating ratings triumphs this week (Sorry. I know, I know. I should be happy for any ratings growth for soaps, but it's hard to be overjoyed when the ratings go up in conjuction with shiteous, plot driven hackery that we all know only serves to drive viewers away in droves in the long run, even if it momentarily piques their interest. Mini rant over.), the big news is that ABC Daytime's flagship sudser General Hospital put the hurt on NBC's lone soap Days of Our Lives. GH went up 94,000 total viewers and is up 257,000 viewers year-to-date, that's more than any other daytime soap! GH, still on a high thanks to the Fall of the House of Corinthos, held steady in households (tied with DAYS at number 3), and among women 18-49, landing in the number 2 spot in that all-important demographic. Guza told me to tell y'all, don't call it a comeback, he's been here for years!
No Gays to Live also saw a ratings bump the week of April 5-April 9. I guess Fuck-Us on the Family sent out emails telling people it was okay to tune back in because the gay folk were soon to be a' gettin' away from there (slaps my thigh, picks my nose and rubs it on my shirt, spits tobacco'er)! Okay, so I'm almost over my anger at One Life to Live— but not quite. See me next week, or the week after...
OLTL was over sister soap All My Children in total viewers, and tied AMC in households. OLTL also bested Erica Kane and Co. among women 18-49. What a difference a few months make. Pre-Kishtastrophe this news would have made me dig my way to Eternia (Wait, it was Eterna, right? Eternia is where He-Man and that fetch fashionista in real feathers, the Sorceress were from), deliver a secret child and go back to high school—all before the commercial break— I would have been so happy. Now, Yeah. I coulda had a V-8. AMC did go up just a smidge in total viewers (3,000 peeps), and held steady in households. The soap, however dropped one-tenth of a ratings point in the coveted 18-49 demo, tying its lowest rating ever in that demo.
Fish don't fry in the kitchen,
Beans don't burn on the grill,
Oh well we moving out WEST!
Last, but not least, there's Days of Our Lives which, along with GH, are the only two soaps I care to get up and rummage around under the couch to find the remote for when they come on these days. (Sidenote: Did the Soap Gods place some sort of cosmic vex on the remaining sudsers ensuring that only two could be decent and worthy of praise at any given time?) The character-driven, smartly-written, multi-generational, multigrain, plausible, ecofriendly, bipartisan, iconoclastic, engineering, innovative, snurfing flurfing (AND THEN THERE'S MAUDE) sudser gained 135,000 total viewers over the previous week, but as I mentioned, those gains weren't enough to fend off GH. DAYS, however went up one-tenth of a ratings point in households, yet held steady among women 18-49.
Now I bet a lot of you are wondering, what in high hell did Jamey Giddens smoke before logging on to do this blog post? Nothing. NOTHING, I tell you! I am simply inspired. INSPIRED by one Maria Arena Bell. I thought to myself, "Self, sure you have over 1500 unconnected plot points pop culture references that you would like to implausibly and ridiculously put into one episode blog post, betraying every notion you ever learned about proper soap opera editorial writing, and some would argue that would be an insane and insulting choice to put your viewers readers through such torture, but don't listen to those haters, LISTEN to your inner Arena Bell! Put it ALL in, at once I say! Go big, or GO HOME!"
If by chance you are reading this, I still think you did a groovy job restoring the show after LML, and I really, really want to like you as show runner of Y&R again, but if you don't stop these dumbass storylines— and I mean stop right blasted now— I'm not gonna let up. I will turn this blog into We Hate The Young and the Restless before I see so much as one more evil twin on this soap opera before 2015, so help me Soap Opera Jesus! Hackery triggers a microchip in my brain. I can't help it. Just ask Chuck Pratt.
Richard Channing Jr. Jamey Giddens
This blog post is sponsored by WASH IT! brand feminine hygiene products, coming soon to a brothel, evil twin convention, bathhouse, or truckstop bathroom vending machine near you.
April 5 - April 9, 2010
(Compared to Last Week/Compared to Last Year)
1. Y&R 5,333,000 (+282,000/+118,000)
2. B&B 3,253,000 (+187,000/-97,000)
3. GH 2,768,000 (+94,000/+257,000)
4. DAYS 2,717,000 (+135,000/-51,000)
5. OLTL 2,480,000 (+78,000/+79,000)
6. AMC 2,426,000 (+3,000/-84,000)
7. ATWT 2,323,000 (+14,000/-139,000)
1. Y&R 3.8/13 (+.2/+.1)
2. B&B 2.3/8 (+.1/-.1)
3. DAYS 2.0/7 (+.1/same)
3. GH 2.0/6 (same/+.1)
5. AMC 1.8/6 (same/-.1)
5. OLTL 1.8/6 (same/same)
7. ATWT 1.7/6 (same/-.1)
Women 18-49 Viewers
1. Y&R 1,209,000 (+79,000/+18,000)
2. GH 940,000 (+13,000/+106,000)
3. DAYS 758,000 (+33,000/-99,000)
4. OLTL 715,000 (+5,000/-21,000)
5. B&B 658,000 (+71,000/-52,000)
6. AMC 601,000 (-47,000/-140,000)
7. ATWT 540,000 (+33,000/-47,000)
Women 18-49 Rating
1. Y&R 1.8/12 (+.1/same)
2. GH 1.4/9 (same/+.1)
3. DAYS 1.1/8 (same/-.2)
3. OLTL 1.1/7 (same/same)
5. B&B 1.0/7 (+.1/-.1)
6. AMC 0.9/6 (-.1/-.2) <------ ties low rating (March 22-26, 2010)
7. ATWT 0.8/5 (same/-.1)
Girls 12-17 Viewers
1. GH 60,000 (+11,000/+11,000)
2. Y&R 52,000 (+15,000/+11,000)
3. OLTL 33,000 (-6,000/-17,000)
4. ATWT 31,000 (+19,000/+3,000)
4. B&B 31,000 (+8,000/+4,000)
6. DAYS 24,000 (+10,000/-13,000)
6. AMC 24,000 (-2,000/+4,000)
Women 18-34 Rating
1. Y&R 1.1/8 (same/same)
2. GH 0.9/6 (same/same)
2. DAYS 0.9/6 (same/-.1)
4. AMC 0.7/5 (+.1/-.2)
4. OLTL 0.7/5 (same/-.1)
6. B&B 0.6/4 (same/-.1)
7. ATWT 0.5/3 (+.1/-.1)
Men 18+ Viewers
1. Y&R 1,170,000 (+85,000/-74,000)
2. B&B 663,000 (+13,000/-103,000)
3. GH 544,000 (+69,000/+124,000)
4. DAYS 504,000 (+3,000/-44,000)
5. OLTL 461,000 (+43,000/+46,000)
6. AMC 449,000 (+12,000/-20,000)
7. ATWT 391,000 (-12,000/-124,000)
Day-To-Day Ratings - HH/Total Viewers
# Monday: 1.9/2,506,000
# Tuesday: 1.9/2,471,000
# Wednesday: 1.9/2,445,000
# Thursday: 1.8/2,393,000
# Friday: 1.7/2,314,000
# Monday: 1.7/2,206,000
# Tuesday: 1.7/2,401,000
# Wednesday: 1.7/2,290,000
# Thursday: 1.6/2,336,000
# Friday: 1.7/2,383,000
# Monday: 2.4/3,397,000
# Tuesday: 2.3/3,322,000
# Wednesday: 2.3/3,146,000
# Thursday: 2.1/3,122,000
# Friday: 2.3/3,279,000
# Monday: 1.9/2,693,000
# Tuesday: 1.9/2,610,000
# Wednesday: 2.0/2,795,000
# Thursday: 2.0/2,794,000
# Friday: 2.0/2,695,000
# Monday: 2.1/2,764,000
# Tuesday: 2.2/3,035,000
# Wednesday: 2.0/2,827,000
# Thursday: 1.9/2,693,000
# Friday: 1.9/2,520,000
# Monday: 2.0/2,592,000
# Tuesday: 1.9/2,555,000
# Wednesday: 1.9/2,469,000
# Thursday: 1.8/2,450,000
# Friday: 1.7/2,304,000
# Monday: 3.8/5,334,000
# Tuesday: 3.8/5,534,000
# Wednesday: 3.7/5,215,000
# Thursday: 3.6/5,267,000
# Friday: 3.8/5,314,000
For the SEASON September 21, 2009 through April 11, 2010
1. Y&R 3.8
2. B&B 2.4
3. DAYS 2.3
4. GH 2.1
4. AMC 2.1
6. OLTL 1.9
6. ATWT 1.9
Women 18-49 Rating
1. Y&R 1.9
2. DAYS 1.5
2. GH 1.5
4. AMC 1.1
4. B&B 1.1
4. OLTL 1.1
7. ATWT 1.0