Big Brother 12 Finale: Hungry, Hungry Hypocrites

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The co-host of The Talk threatens us with a “two-hour finale” and then wastes half of it on recaps. Why bother? I could do it faster for this dull season. Watch. “Three guys sleepwalked to the finals. Also featuring: a psychotic red head and occasional snark from a blonde chick."  Also: all my recaps.

With Hayden and Lane squaring off for the Final HOH, Enzo complains about potentially not getting to the finals, even though he "created the Brigade and orchestrated everything.” Dude, ten years ago I said Justin Timberlake should leave N’Sync for a solo career, but that doesn’t make me responsible for Sexy Back (although I did come up with “J. Tizzy”, so if he ever goes by that moniker, remember you heard it here first). Get over yourself! You played a very good game to get to Final 3, and kudos for that. But you’re entirely incapable of winning the competitions to secure an F2 spot, and that’s all on you.

Lane tells Mrs. CBS that the BB House allowed him a new experience, spending three months with new people. Translation: “I’ve never been to school.” Explains a lot about Lane, doesn’t it?

We get a peek at the jury house, where Matt remains insufferably smug -- lying that he created the Brigade and overestimating his gameplay – and Brenchel remain sickeningly in love. And then Britney enters with “Is Rachel pregnant?” and “Matt sucks.” God, I love her. They all debate the merits of the Brigade, with Britney/Ragan/Kathy correctly identifying that they effectively played the house by controlling each vote, and with Brenchel typically not getting it at all. Boobarella -- the queen of synaptic misfires and connect-the-dots narcissism – snorts, “If the Brigade were so good, how did I win 2 HOHs?” Seriously, forget Chemistry. How did this moron get any degree?

Sidenote: I am so tired of Brenchel – and many fans – saying the Brigade never won anything. Matt won 2 HOHs, Lane won 1 HOH, Enzo won 1 POV, and fricking Hayden won 4 HOHs, which is actually the record (currently held by BB5 Drew and BB7 Janelle). Look, I don’t personally care about these dumb competitions -- this is a game of social strategy, and I was far more impressed with the Brigade hiding their alliance, manipulating their side alliances, and playing everyone. And I certainly don’t think the person with the most competition wins should always win the game. But if you’re going to say these guys didn’t win anything, then you’re objectively wrong

Anyway, since Smurfs didn’t over-populate the moon, Hayden wins the Final HOH and evicts Enzo, who… walks across the stage to join the jury. I really hate this new format. It doesn’t give the final juror any time to deliberate with the rest of the jury and the questions are rushed and pointless. But surprise, surprise Hayden (the college student) does a decent job with his answers, while Lane (who never went to any school of any kind) bombs completely. I can write anything I want about Lane because he can’t read it anyway.

The live audience chuckles at Boobarella’s honking cackle, which prefaces and punctuates every sentence. If she was in Russia, you could hear her laugh from Alaska. Boobarella thinks they’re laughing with her and just honks some more, in the same way that monkeys at the zoo point back. Speaking of monkeys, Ragan stands and waves when Julie says “saboteur!” and everyone cheers, even though his tasks were stupid, easy and mostly done from the Diary Room. It takes more effort to win 20 grand at Plinko.

During voting, the jurors manage better than Julie, who mixes up the keys at one point and has to correct herself live. Kathy votes upright and awake, Ragan votes without crying, Matt votes with his hands out of his pants, and Boobarella votes without accusing anyone of coming between her and HER MAN! Ironically, in a season of unanimous votes, this vote – which should have been a slam-dunk for Hayden – was a nail-bitter: 4-3 in favor of Hayden.

We knew Britney was voting for Lane no matter what, but the other two votes came from Brenchel. According to post-finale interviews, Brenchel learned that Hayden called Brenda... er, Brendon “needle-dick” behind his back, and thus they voted for Lane.  Yes, Brendon really is that small (pun fully intended) that he let something so stupid influence his vote entirely. This, after he and Boobarella spent all season talking about how they only wanted to reward “gameplay” and real “gamers” (by which they always meant competition wins), but since they voted for Lane, the only game these two were playing on finale night was Hungry, Hungry Hypocrites.

Britney awesomely puts down the Brenchel romance in general (pausing briefly only to put down Brendon in particular) and is then rewarded for her season-long snark with the 25 grand as America’s Favorite! Way to go Britney! I will take full credit, having called her awesome since week 2, and naming her Star of the Season early on.

Hmm, maybe I'm clairvoyant. I also called Hayden’s win weeks ago and compared him to BB5 Drew who, just like Hayden, won 4 HOHs, took to the Final 2 a seemingly lame-goat from cow country who only won one competition, with the votes surprisingly coming back 4-3. Wow. Watch out for J. Tizzy you guys!

All in all, the finale was more entertaining than most of this season, and I haven’t even gotten to the part where Kristin throws herself at an uninterested Hayden, and Monet calls Boobarella a skank.