No. 10: Sami and Faux Rafe, Days of Our Lives
Rafe Hernandez (Galen Gering) has been Sami Brady’s (Alison Sweeney) constant, sturdy rock from the moment he began keeping her “Safe” on Days of Our Lives. While the road to happily ever after has always been paved with drama for these two—thanks in large part to the machinations of Sami’s dangerously-seductive ex EJ DiMera (James Scott)—in 2011 things got downright ridiculous, doppelganger style.
This past year, EJ’s dad Stefano (Joe Mascolo) convinced Junior to take a page from the old DiMera playbook, which reads: When you want to get rid of an enemy, replace them with a lookalike! While many a DiMera-sanctioned doppelganger has provided fun story for DAYS (Andre DiMera, Susan Banks, Hattie), the father and son duo having a common thug receive plastic surgery to look like Rafe, then replacing him in Sami’s life (and bed) was just plain gross.
No. 9: Victor and Diane, The Young and the Restless
We collectively threw up a little in our mouths at the thought of red-hot, thirtysomething Maura West having to simulate the bedroom boot, scoot and boogie with Eric BraedenasThe Young and the Restless reunited angry exes Diane and Victor in 2011. While May/December romances have always been a staple of soaps, the phenomenal West being obviously much too young to play Diane—a woman who was busy busting up Jack (then Terry Lester) and Patty’s (then Andrea Evans) marriage back when West was no doubt learning her ABC’s—made the pairing downright gruesome to witness.
Why on Earth would a sultry, venomous, capable architect like Diane be so desperate as to drop to her drawers for every senior citizen in town; especially one who had already kicked her to the curb once for Nikki (Melody Thomas Scott)? Sure, the housing market had hit a slump, but this was ridiculous! The fact that Diane shared several sizzling romps with Victor’s much-more-age-appropriate-for-West son Nicholas (Joshua Morrow) only made the Victor and Diane mesh up all the more unbearable. Instead of tossing Diane out of the back of that ambulance like a bale of hay, Braeden should have done that to whoever wrote this stinkbomb of a storyline.
No. 8: Anthony and Tracy, General Hospital
We don’t know what Jane Elliot did to piss off the Soap Gods, but can we offer up a sacrifice for her penance? Saddling Tracy Quartermaine with Anthony “Za-Crazy” Zacchara (Bruce Weitz) was a much worse punishment than anything we remember reading about in the old Greek myths; including the one where that chick was turned into a spider.
We mean no offense to Weitz, who is an amazing actor, but the resident rich bitch of Port Charles, New York deserved better than a wacky courtship with an orchid snipping nut job. Kudos to General Hospital for drawing from Tracy’s history as a mafia wife on the short-lived, Loving spinoff The City, but if Tracy was going to be blackmailed into a relationship with a Zacchara, we’re sure she would have preferred it have been Johnny (Brandon Barash). But then again, who wouldn’t?
No. 7 Jack and Genevieve, The Young and the Restless
If there’s any character other than Sharon Newman (Sharon Case) whose credibility has been damaged more by the current regime at The Young and the Restless, it’s Jack Abbott (Peter Bergman). Okay, so Jess Walton (Jill) and Kristoff St. John (Neil) might beg to disagree, but we digress. Since Maria Arena Bell took control of Y&R’s writers’ room, the once crafty character of Ol’ Smilin’ Jack has morphed into Ol’ Stupid Fool, cluelessly falling for one deranged damsel after another.
In 2011, Jack added bat poop crazy Genevieve (played by a shockingly hammy Genie Francis) to his collection of oddball lady friends. We’re assuming Jack must not have paid up his subscription to Restless Style, which would explain how he didn’t read all about Genny’s recent history as an Aussie cow mobster’s wife, who conspired with her son for him to pretend to be her dead son, who was pretending to be the son his father thought was dead. Or, who knows, maybe it turns Jack on that his new constant lunch companion likes to bite off more lip than she can chew, before tossing people off parapets?
No. 6: Lucky and Siobhan, General Hospital
When General Hospital’s Siobhan (Erin Chambers) was first introduced in 2010, the character was like a breath of fresh, Irish spring air. Her fiery chemistry with Lucky Spencer (Jonathan Jackson) was immediately obvious, and we looked forward to seeing how their relationship would develop. They say hindsight is 20/20 and this was especially true of this couple.
We spent 2011 desperately clinging to those few early memories, as Siobhan transformed from an appealing character into a shrill, insecure harpy, riveling even uber nag Shrew-Lu (Julie Marie Berman) in annoyance. Try as Jackson and Chambers might, the actors were unable to salvage an ounce of their prior appeal as a couple. Is it any wonder no one at Daytime Confidential shed a tear when this particular lass died at the hands of a Za-Crazy?
No. 5: Charlie and Echo, One Life to Live
What do you get when you pair one of daytime’s most beloved veterans with a drunk baby who doesn’t know where he is —one hot mess of a couple on One Life to Live in 2011. The character of Charlie Banks (Brian Kerwin) started out with so much promise a few years back, but by the time the scenery chewer was paired with Echo DiSavoy (Guiding Light superstar Kim Zimmer) there was absolutely nothing to “chuckle” about.
Don’t get us wrong, it was mad fun to see La Zimmer square off against Erika Slezak’s snooty Viki Lord, as raunchy, rowdy girl Echo basically acted out the lyrics to Dolly Parton’s “Jolene,” but we never understood what these two superdivas were fighting over to begin with. Ladies, a drunkard who races off into the night at the sign of any emotional distress like a blithering, histrionic idiot isn’t exactly what we’d call a catch.
We get that Charlie never got over the death of his son, and that Echo’s lies about Rex (John-Paul Lavoisier) being a replacement offspring was enough to drive a ham to drink, but by the end of Charlie and Echo's run as a couple, we were ready for a scene at Ultra Violet where both Viki and Echo laughed about how utterly pathetic it was for either of them to be tussling over Ned the Wino’s brother from another mother.
No. 4: Liam and Amber, The Bold and the Beautiful
If you look at the pages of most glossy, women’s magazines, you’ll quickly see that for many ladies the idea of staying a teenager forever is the ultimate fantasy. The Bold and the Beautiful’sAdrienne Frantz gets to live out said fantasy five-days-a-week as Amber Moore, daytime’s answer to a female Peter Pan (Sorry, Sandy Duncan).
In 2011, Amber was once again involved in an ABC Family-ready game of adolescent hijinks, as she schemed and plotted to bust up SoCal’s resident YA lovers Liam (Scott Clifton) and Hope (Kimberly Matula). The fact that Amber, who is now in her 30’s, was involved in similar shenanigans with Hope’s half-brother, pop star Usher and at some point along the way, Hope’s bio dad Deacon Sharpe (Sean Kanan)—all before the ingénue was even born—wasn’t enough to prevent Amber from giving the old “trick the dopey, rich kid with another man’s baby” shtick another whirl. We love us some Amber Moore, but it’s time girlfriend started playing DNA pranks on kids her own age.
No. 3: EJ and Taylor, Days of Our Lives
Suave, criminal empire heir apparent EJ DiMera (James Scott) isn’t the easiest man to love, but that didn’t stop two of Days of Our Lives favorite bad girls, Samantha Brady (Alison Sweeney) and Nicole Walker (Arianne Zucker), from falling under his spell. In 2011, another woman succumbed to EJ’s lethal charms, Nicole’s own baby sister Taylor, as portrayed by a pair of General Hospital starlets (Natalia Livingston and Tamara Braun).
While some fans seemed to enjoy the Cinderella factor that was present when EJ was with Taylor 2.0 (Livingston), by the time he shared scenes with the 3.0 version (Braun) viewers were itching to see Driver’s Ed valedictorian Chelsea Brady (Rachel Melvin) careen back into town, through the streets of Salem proper, mowing Taylor down like a stray blade of grass. It certainly wasn’t anything against Braun, but an already asinine story arc (It was love at first sight!), followed by a jarring recast was just too much for EJ and Taylor to survive. Speaking of surviving, that’s exactly what Nicole and Tay-Tay’s mom Fay (Valerie Wildman) didn’t do after EJ’s minion Faux Rafe (Galen Gering) iced her. Not even the late Walt Disney himself—armed with an array of singing forest creatures and little people—could have made this “Grimm” fairytale less vulgar.
No. 2: Adam and Sharon, The Young and the Restless
“Shadam” was a tough sell from the jump on The Young and the Restless. There was the whole issue of Adam (Michael Muhney) stealing Sharon’s (Sharon Case) baby and giving her to his stepmom, but they managed to get past all that pesky business way before 2011. We don’t exactly understand how, but we suspect they watched an awful lot of the last few seasons of The Oprah Winfrey Show, and took all that “Live your best life” stuff to heart.
In all seriousness, we knew exactly what helped Sharon get on the road to forgiveness with Victor’s (Eric Braeden) not-so-blind baby boy. It was the very same factor that made we the fans whitewash Adam’s sins — the insatiable, electric, chemistry Muhney shared with the object of his character’s obsession. If it was one thing Shadam fans knew, it was our antihero may destroy the rest of Genoa City, but he would never hurt Sharon that way again. Right? Wrong.
In 2011, as she fought for her life behind bars, we saw just how deep Adam’s feelings for Share Bear ran when he tossed evidence that could have set her free into a pond. Then again, Sharon was no shining example of fidelity. She had faked her own death, allowing Adam, his fellow brother-husband Nick (Joshua Morrow) and her young uns to believe she was worm food, all the while having a big ol’ time, down on the farm, playing hide the corn stalk with yet another man (But didn’t she look fetching with her brunette ‘do?). While we still see major potential with Shadam, it is gonna take quite the head writer to make fans ever root for this couple again. Does anyone know where Y&R can find one of those?
No. 1: David and Jane, All My Children
For years we hoped Susan Lucci and Vincent Irizarry would be paired together again on All My Children. Be careful what you wish for! While our desire to see these two dark, sensual love beasts tearing up the sheets again, came from our fond memories of Erica Kane’s initial, torrid affair with Dr. David Hayward, we never dreamed once La Lucci and Irizarry were together again she’d be playing Erica’s lookalike Jane. A virgin daiquiri we'll allow, but a sixtysomething, virgin doppelganger? Yuck.
We get that David would have done anything to protect Project Necromancy, er Orpheus, but it was all shades of icky for him to be breaking creepy Jane’s ancient hymen while the real Erica Kane—a woman he once loved—was being kept hostage in that fabulous replica of Erica's Barbie Dream Penthouse bedroom suite. Why in Center City did AMC waste so much time during its last season on this funky farce?
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