This week’s True Blood started at the Curl Up & Fry tanning salon. Pam (Kristin Bauer) raced to a searing Tara (Rutina Wesley) and Maker-commanded her to never try suicide again. Needless to say, this made Tara more pissed. Plus, she was very bitter about risking her life for Sookie’s—and getting killed because of it this time. Pam decided to take her new family under her wings, and commanded her to start feeding on pretty, willing humans. She even got her a casket for the daytime, right by her side. Aw!
Bill (Stephen Moyer) and Eric (Alexander Skarsgard) returned home searching for clues about who freed Russell. When they knew it wasn’t Pam or Alcide (JoeManganiello), Bill searched his office for bugs but came up empty. Desperate, Bill came up with a plan to use Sookie to help their search. Both were surprised to see Tara, with Pam explaining it with a hilarious, “Congratulations, you’re a grandfather!” to Eric. On a related note, it must be so awkward when the human who you ignored or helped make their life a living hell, turns out to be a relative! #VampireProbs
Pam was elated to see her beloved Maker back, but Eric was a total grump. Later, he delicately told Pam he officially “released” her from their bond, since he’d probably be dead soon—either by Russell or The Authority’s hand, and he wanted her to be safe.
Sookie (Anna Paquin) was completely cracking up over the Debbie situation. Lafayette (Nelsan Ellis) blew up at her for coming clean to Alcide. She figured Alcide was going to turn her into the cops, so she rushed over to Jason’s (RyanKwanten) and confessed everything. After he realized his sister wasn’t joking, he refused to let her turn herself in to Bon Temps PD. When she added Tara was now a vampire because of it, he flipped out, and Jessica (Deborah Ann Woll) overheard the whole thing.
Soon the entire town new Tara was a vampire now because of Sookie, and she couldn’t bear hearing their awful thoughts. Lafayette’s lame-looking alter ego demon popped out again and hexed Sookie’s car. When she was going home, it tried to kill her. Instead, she jumped out of the 110 mph vehicle, before it crashed into a telephone pole, and didn’t even get a scratch. What she did get though, was very drunk once she made it to Casa Stackhouse. Her singing “revamped” lyrics to Rupert Holmes’ infamous pina colada song (“If you like making love a Midnight / In an empty cemetery”) might be one of my favorite True Blood moments, ever. Drunk Sookie seemed way more fun, and is something I could get totally get used to on a recurring basis.
Alcide dropped by and confessed he told Debbie’s worried parents what happened. He told them Debbie was dead, but said it was Marcus who killed her, so that’s why Alcide killed Marcus. Sookie’s grateful Alcide protected her. They get drunk together, and they’re super adorable about it. Much flirting ensued, with Sookie even telling Alcide he’s in love with her. Just as Sookie straddled him and they started making out (three seasons later!), Bill and Eric showed up in her window to witness it, when they came for her assistance.
Andy (Chris Bauer) was annoyed when the Pelts left town and determined to keep looking into Debbie’s disappearance on his own—which worried Jason. Jessica swooped in and glamoured Andy into forgetting all about it. Pays to be friends with vamps, yo.
Next, Andy and Jason were ready to party with that judge who strong-armed Andy into throwing out his son’s ticket. Three hot (fae) chicks picked them up and basically took them to a secret fairy sex club in the woods. All were stoked, especially Andy who ran into his fairy ONS from last season, who he immediately hooked up with again. Oh, Andy—how quickly one forgets about girlfriend Holly.
Jason got spooked when his fairy stripper read his mind and said he was pining for a vampire, which made him realize who he was with. Then, he saw cousin Hadley working as a waitress. She’d gone there as a refugee away from vampires. She was happily surprised to hear Sookie was alive, and urged Jason to get Sookie and move permanently there with her and her son. He was naturally weary, since last time fairies kidnapped Sookie for a year. Hadley tried convincing him it was the only place safe for them since vamps would drain them because of their fairy blood, even alluding that his parents were actually killed by supernatural means. Jason wanted to know more, but the fairy stripper stepped in, and bouncers tossed Jason and Andy out. When we last saw them, they were getting fairy-zapped in the face. Hope there’s no more amnesia in this show’s future…
Elsewhere, Terry and Patrick went to South Dakota to see their army buddy, Eller. Flashbacks showed that Eller caused a firefight with hostiles in Afghanistan, which accidentally left an entire family dead. When they found Eller in the present, he seemed super crazed and paranoid, and drew a gun on them.
Two of Sam’s (Sam Trammell) shifter friends returned. I’m not sure we ever got their actual names, but Arlene’s “Barack and Hillary” were perfect. They chose Sam in the Sam-Luna breakup and asked him to go running again. When he met them later that night he found each with a bullet in their head.
Maybe because they’re taking (minor) characters we care about away from the main action, but I’m having a hard time getting into these storylines. They seem like time fillers, and the show always works best when the residents of Bon Temps are all on the same page.
The Authority’s plotline also remained un-investing. The council members continued to torture Nora. Roman (Christopher Meloni) wanted her to give up other traitors, so he threatened Eric’s life, by shoving his stake app in her face. She talked, and the information led to the child vampire on the council getting staked by Roman. He was a true Sanguinista, recording videos of himself eating humans, reciting conspicuous dialogue like, “Die human. You are food to us. Muwahahaha!” So RIP that guy, we hardly knew you. Death sure is one way of getting around that pesky supposed ‘ageless vampire hitting puberty when the actor who plays him would’ problem!
Also, Salome remained shifty. I’m not sure if her and Nora are both true traitors, or if Nora’s just her scapegoat so she can remain undetected. We’ll see.
Until next week, Truebies!
Photo credit: HBO