15 Dysfunctional Soap Opera Families We'd Go Home With For The Holidays

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No. 15: The Graysons, Revenge



Retribution is a dish best served over the holidays, if you're a member of the Grayson clan on ABC's smash primetime soap Revenge. Blackmail, corporate espionage, insider trading and not-quite-fatal tumbles off balconies could all be on the gourmet menu, but for the chance to break holiday bread with Queen Victoria (Madeleine Stowe), we'd risk it. 


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No. 14: The Greeleys, Pasadena


Fox's 2001 primetime drama Pasadena only lasted one 13-episode season. In that short amount of time, the soap gave us a family we'd kill to chill with over the holidays — the darkly-comic and woefully-dysfunctional Greeleys. While visiting the Greeleys for the holidays, one or more of the mega wealthy publishing dynasty's most shameful secrets would be unveiled by granddaughter Lily McAllister (Alison Lohman) before you could say, "Pass the cranberries."  If you're really lucky, you might even walk in on Lily's high strung mother, Catherine Greeley McAllister (Dana Delaney), doing the family priest (Nathan Fillion) on the floor under the Christmas tree.



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No. 13: The Marshalls, Generations


While the Marshall family on NBC's short-lived daytime soap opera Generations likely serves up plenty of traditional dinner items for their holiday feasts, it's their fortune-making ice cream we'd stick around to have for dessert! Of course the chance to see Maya (Vivica A. Fox) and Doreen (Jonelle Allen) knock a tub or three of rocky road onto the floor—while fighting over Adam (Kristoff St. John) like two crazed banshees—would definitely be the cherry on top of this potential holiday sundae. 


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No. 12: The Botwins, Weeds

It really doesn't matter what Nancy Botwin (Mary-Louise Parker) of Showtime's recently-ended Weeds serves for her holiday meal. After puff-puff-passing all that wacky tabacky, we'd have the munchies so bad, we'd probably eat road kill.

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No. 11: The Richards, Sunset Beach

What better place to take holiday shelter than with the affluent Richards family from NBC's late 90's, ocean-side sudser Sunset Beach? With all the serial murdering doppelgangers and turkey baster rapists running amuck, Olivia Richards (Lesley-Anne Down) would be the perfect hostess to keep our minds off our worries. That is of course if she isn't too busy being impregnated by her daughter's husband again.

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No. 10: The Gallaghers, Shameless

Tacky, tasteless, common, yet loyal to a fault — we'd definitely spend a holiday with Shameless' dirt poor family of cons, the Gallaghers! So what if the turkey may have crunched up corn flakes inside, serving as stuffing? Okay, we might be asked to help clean up after Frank (William H. Macy) vomits in the gravy boat—while coming down off Oxy—what's your point? To hang with Fiona (Emmy Rossum), Lip (Jeremy Allen White) and Co., it would all be worth it. 



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No. 9: The Leerys, Dawson's Creek

Even though Dawson (James Van Der Beek) is big time in Hollywood—taking meetings with Steven Speilberg—we're sure he makes his way back to the Creek for the holidays, and we want to be there too! Pacey (Joshua Jackson) could bring over a mean spread from the Ice House, while Grams (Mary Beth Peil) dishes out sage advice. Joey (Katie Holmes) and Dawson could relive bittersweet childhood memories; as Jack (Kerr Smith) and Sheriff Doug (Dylan Neal) get caught under the mistletoe, courtesy of their daughter Amy.

Dr. Andie McPhee (Meredith Monroe) would be on hand just in case anyone chokes on the wishbone, and candles would be lit in the living room window for the dearly-departed Mitch (John Wesley Shipp) and Jen (Michelle Williams). On second thought, those candles better be placed in windows upstairs, just in case Audrey (Busy Phillips) falls off the wagon and drives her car into Gail's (Mary-Margaret Humes) house again!





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No. 8: The Spectras, The Bold and the Beautiful

Forget the stuffy Forresters, with their horny caterers! We'd rather spend the holidays with that wacky band of rag thieves, the Spectras, on The Bold and the Beautiful. Sally (the late Darlene Conley) likely doesn't waste time having waiters pass out nice, safe martinis; we bet our girl offers up a stiff yuletide whiskey to mix in with your eggnog!

There's also a good chance Sal's daughter Macy (Bobbie Eakes) might regale us with Christmas carols. Of course she'd have to come back from the dead again first... 




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No. 7: The Abbotts, The Young and the Restless


The Abbott house may be a little empty right now on CBS Daytime's The Young and the Restless, but what we wouldn't give to ring in the New Year with Jack (Peter Bergman), Ashley (Eileen Davidson), Tracy (Beth Maitland) and the gang. We bet a steaming hot tray of Mamie's (Veronica Redd) sticky buns would be enough to keep Jack and Ash from squabbling over Jabot. 

Tracy could read a few chapters of her latest novel, while Billy (Billy Miller) cracks everyone up with stories from his wild and wanton days in New York and Hong Kong. Okay, maybe some of Billy's stories might not be appropriate for a holiday gathering, but you get the point!

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No. 6: The Capwells, Santa Barbara


When it comes to family dysfunction, the Graysons from Revenge and Greeleys from Pasadena don't have anything on the wickedly-wealthy Capwells from NBC's cult hit daytime soap opera Santa Barbara. This is why we'd love for Rosa (Margarita Cordova) to set us a place at the table — preferably next to C.C.'s (Jed Allan) ex-wife and sperm snatcher Gina Blake DeMott Capwell Capwell Timmons Capwell Lockridge (Robin Mattson)!

If Gina would rather sit next to her son Brandon, we'd be okay to slide in beside C.C. and Sophia's (Judith McConnell) beautiful daughter Eden (Marcy Walker). Just please ensure her Dissociative Identity Disorder integration status is spelled out clearly on the invitation. We'd like to be prepared if the "Channing" personality, and/or "Suzanne" make appearances!

Considering the possibility of Eden being in a good place, and therefore happily seated next to her true love Cruz Castillo (A Martinez), how about squeezing us in between Secretary of State Julia Wainright (Nancy Lee Grahn) and her husband, Ambassador to Thailand, Mason Capwell (Lane Davies)?





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No. 5: The Gilmores, Gilmore Girls


Sharp wit, snappy conversation and more than a little tension are always on the itinerary for Lorelai (Lauren Graham) and Rory’s (Alexis Bledel) holiday visits to the Gilmore mansion on Gilmore Girls. Emily (Kelly Bishop) does everything imaginable to make the holidays special, while Richard (Edward Herrmann) knows better than to get in the way of his wife’s quest for perfection. We'd simply sit back and relish in the fact that there is a family out there even wackier than our own!




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No. 4: The Ewings, Dallas


We just know we'd have ourselves of Texas-sized good time at a Ewing family holiday celebration on Dallas. While we feast on brisket, fresh from the Southfork cattle operation, and down plenty of bourbon and branch (None for you, Sue Ellen!), we'll sit back and watch as John Ross (Josh Henderson) and Christopher (Jesse Metcalfe) try to out maneuver one other.

Although this holiday season in Braddock County will be a somber one—now that ol' J.R. (the late Larry Hagman) is no longer with us—we know his devilish spirit will still be roaming the halls of Jock and Miss Ellie's ranch for generations to come.


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No. 3: The Quartermaines, General Hospital


Who wouldn't want to spend a holiday with Port Charles' own Quartermaine family from General Hospital? We'd welcome a slice of pizza on Thanksgiving if it meant getting to be a fly on the wall when Monica (Leslie Charleson) and Tracy (Jane Elliot) start going at it!

With A.J. (Sean Kanan) back from the dead, and Michael (Chad Duell) and Sam (Kelly Monaco) being manipulated into, we mean, "welcomed" into the family fold, things should get even more interesting during this family's 2013's holiday events.

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No. 2: The Cohens, The O.C.


They were the family who gave the world Chrismukkah. Nuff said! 


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No. 1: The Hortons, Days of Our Lives


The holidays just aren't complete for Days of Our Lives fans until the Hortons hang their named ornaments on Tom and Alice's tree. Sure, during the year, Hope (Kristian Alfonso) may be arrested for mugging people, while drugged up on sleeping pills. Jennifer (Melissa Reeves) could quite possibly have one of her organs harvested by a crooked prison doctor. And okay, if any more of Aunt Maggie's (Suzanne Rogers) missing eggs turn up, the family might have to invest in an entire tree lot. On Christmas, the Hortons represent the perfect, traditional American family, and we love them for it.