WARNING: The following is a parody of our beloved soaps. All characters, scenes and situations are intentionally twisted and misrepresented, though kernals of truth exist throughout.
This post has been rated MSG [Mature Soap Giggles] by D.I.V.A. [Daytime Industry Virtues Association]. Anyone age politically correct or younger is prohibited from reading this post.
If you slept through a family faster than Michael Phelps won eight gold medals, you might be a soap character.
If you've been possessed by the devil, suffered from multiple personalities, had a chip implanted in your brain, had your brains carried around on a disk or been brainwashed into killing the one you love most, you might be a soap character.
If you are older than a sibling born before you, or turned 22 on your third birthday, you might be a soap character.
If you're living life like you're 16 going on 17, but have gone through menopause twice, wear tube tops or corsets, have countless grandchildren, and still end up pregnant, you might be a soap character.
If you've slept with two men in the same day without taking a shower, you might be a soap character.
If you've died more times than a cat has lives, came back from the dead after being shot in the head, fallen off a cliff, been run over by a car, survived a historic abortion or being stillborn, you might be a soap character.
If unrequited love means being the buff hitman of a mob boss, you might be a soap character.
If you're not sure who knocked you up and need a paternity test only to lie about the father of your baby because your husband is a druggie and the real father is a mobster, you might be a soap character.
If you've gotten someone drunk, drugged someone or switched a paternity test in order for them to be the legal father of your unborn baby, you might be a soap character.
If you'd done the dirty on a conference table only to be caught by your lover's daughter who is traumatized by the sight of your hairy ass, you might be a soap character.
If you are being held captive while suffering from amnesia and fall in love with your rapist, you might be soap character.
If you're name is on a lingerie line and a vibrating bed company wants to create a franchise of hooker hotels with your name on them, you might be a soap character.
If you become CEO of a Fortune 500 company and the only thing you know how to run is from the law, you might be a soap character.
If TPTB put more value in your eight pack abs, Stallone sized pecs or your British/Aussie/Kiwi/Spanish/Uniquely Unidentifiable accent than how well you can hold your own in a scene, you might be a soap character.
You might be a soap character if...
Thanks to Regan and Jillian for helping me come up with some of the jokes.