Okay, so anyone who listened to those Top 10 Ways to Improve This Soap or That One episodes of the Daytime Confidential podcast knows how I feel about stunt casting. Generally, I hate the concept. Especially if a soap is already smelling up the joint like a backed up port-a-potty at the Four States Fair.
Who cares about seeing some Nascar driver or Donald Trump when the soaps that brings them on aren't using the vets we know and love and are telling recycled, tired stories? However, when a soap is firing on all cylinders, telling good, juicy, character-driven tales of love, lust, and, okay, the occasional chipmunk (nobody's perfect), that the majority of the fans are enjoying, then I don't mind them having a little fun with casting. That's why I think The Young and the Restless should bring on talk show host/baby daddy-figurer-outer Maury Povich for a dream sequence starring Sharon Newman Abbott (Sharon Case)!
Who better than Connie Chung's constant source of shame to help Sharon decide which Genoa City captain of industry had the best swimmers? Sharon has been giving up the Hello Kitty like a sorority girl on South Padre during Spring Break, so it's no wonder she doesn't have the foggiest idea who her baby daddy is. Enter Povich. Y&R seems to be having fun with zany, whacked out fantasy/dream sequences of late, and this one could be a real gem.
Just imagine Share Bear on Povich's stage as Jack (Peter Bergman), Nick (Joshua Morrow) and Billy (Billy Miler) all wait anxiously to see which one needs to buy a case of cigars—not to mention a prescrip for Valtrex. You just know Billy would be the one to jump up, all ghetto, and tell Sharon, "In yo FACE!" when Povich announces the kid isn't his, while Sharon rushes off stage in tears, while being followed by a cameraman played by Michael Graziadei.
Phyllis (Michelle Stafford), Chloe (Elizabeth Hendrickson) and "Mary Jane" (Stacy Haiduck) would all of course be in the audience booing and hissing at Sharon.
"Tramp!" Chloe yells out.
"Ho," Mary Jane adds, before biting off the head of a live chipmunk.
"Yeah, and the bitch steals too!" Phyllis blasts.
"Ain't it the truth sister!" Lauren Fenmore (Tracey Bregman) calls out from behind the angry trio, thinking to herself what a fetch Fenmore's Signature Collection wallet the chipmunk's fur would make (Sorry LML).
"Maury is like so HOT!" Lily (Christel Khalil) gushes to Colleen (Tammin Sursok).
Everyone stops to stare at Lily.
"What?' Lily demands. "He like TOTALLY is!"
Everyone looks back to the stage.
"Oh Sharon, I raised you better than this!" Doris sighs from the audience shaking her head.
"I thought you had more respect for yourself?" Victor (Eric Braeden) admonishes.
Sharon looks away in shame.
"I told you she was a gold digging tramp from day one," Nikki (Melody Thomas Scott) whispers out of the corner of her mouth to Victor.
"It takes one to know one!" Victor shoots back."I found yew on a stripper POLE!"
Nikki gasps so hard she threatens to suck up all the oxygen in the room.
"Hey, watch it you two," Doris gripes. "That tramp up there on that stage is my daughter!"
"AMAZING GRAAAAACE!" Ana bursts into song.
"Will yew shawt UP?" Victor bellows.
Zapato whimpers and covers his eyes.
Just as Sharon can't take it anymore, Povich announces he has the results. Is the baby Nick or Jack's child? Jack looks on pleadingly, schmuck that he is, he wants the kid to be his. Nick and Sharon share meaningful glances.
"What are you waiting for Povich? Tell us the damn results," Phyllis yells out, standing to her feet, belching. "I always did like Springer better!"
"The DNA results prove, that the child Sharon Newman Abbott is carrying belongs to..."
Sharon wakes up on the couch in the living room of Abbott Mansion in a cold sweat. She realizes she had fallen alseep with the TV turned on to a trashy talk show. She spies a half eaten gallon of Blue Bell pecan and prailines ice cream on the floor melting. (Product Placement)
"Oh thank God, it was all just a nightmare," she sighs. "I haven't turned into a wanton slut!"
"Hey baby," Devon (Bryton McClure) says coming into the room with his shirt off, scratching his belly. "Ready for round two?"