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Wait...Messica's Gonna Do WHAT on OLTL This February?!

Y'all see that look on Viki Lord's (Erika Slezak) face? I have the same one on mine, and you're about to find out why. Our fav-o-rite show runner, One Life to Live's Frank Valentini gave an interview to TV Guide Magazine previewing the sudser's February Sweeps climax of the Mitch Laurence (Roscoe Born) storyline, which will be complete with special effects, a death and a soaptacular car accident on Llantano Mountain! Now for the bad news. It looks like we'll be calling Jessica (Bree Williamson), Messica for some time to come!


In a nutsy twist, a still–delusional Jessica will start a new life as a student at Llanview High! “This will be a chance for the audience to see what Jessica was like before the split personality,” Valentini says. “I think we all have a fantasy of going back to high school and retracing your steps. After a couple of really tough years, this’ll be an exciting second-chance story for Jessica.” And she won’t just be hittin’ the books at school—she’ll also find love there. (Valentini promises there’s no jailbait involved).

Okay, Frank and Ron C...y'all know I love y'all like I love carbs, but this sounds RIDONKULOUS! Messica's 30-year-old behind is gonna enroll in high school?! I can see it now. She's gonna chew up all the chalk AND the erasers from those poor teachers, and Langston's gonna make everybody sing about it! What is this, Being Erica? Did Fronsie come up with this, or Jeff Zucker? Wait, see y'all got me so confused, stunned and constipated I'm making fun of the wrong network!

Alter Jamey: Jamey wait!

Real Jamey: What?! I'm not %$(*&^& finished ranting about this bull #$%$! You know people say we're in their pocket, so now that they're finally doing something we don't like we have to give it to 'em with both barrels, you know,  like we would Maria Bell or her brother-in-camp!

Alter Jamey:  But remember the last time you and everyone else got mad about a OLTL story twist?

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Real Jamey: Wow, my alter speaks in acronyms!

Alter Jamey: Focus!

Real Jamey: Huh? Oh yeah, it was that awful RAPEMANCE!

Alter Jamey: Yeah, which caused 200,000 extra viewers to tune in...

Real Jamey: Oh, right, carry on. Can we watch Barefoot in the Park tonight on TCM?