As much as I enjoy seeing Gina Tognoni on my screen again, especially on a soap opera with actual sets and good production values, I can't say I've been exactly electrified by Kelly Cramer's storyline since she returned to Llanview on One Life to Live. While it was hella good fun to see Kelly mixing it up with her Aunt Dorian's (Robin Strasser) former toyboy, David Vickers, sorry Buchanan, (Tuc Watkins) in Gay Paree, I have been less impressed with her interactions with Todd (Trevor St. John) and Blair (Kassie DePaiva) since arriving back in Straightview. Blair already has a perfectly good rival for TAWD in TEYAH (Florencia Lozano), so why attempt to fix what isn't broken by uncomfortably trying to squish Kelly into their orbit?
This particular pickle got me to thinking about other possible storylines that would better serve Kelly's history and Tognoni's talents. I said to myself "Self, what would you do with Kelly if you were writing her?" After I looked around to make sure no one saw me having a full blown conversation with myself in the Big and Tall section of Dillards, I started thinking about Kelly's storied history with the Buchanan family. Let's see, she has boinked both of Viki's (Erika Slezak) sons, Kevin (most-recently Dan Gauthier) and Joey, and for a bonus round she shagged a Buchanan grandboy, played by some reality show contestant. It's the last development that inspired my inner fan fiction writer the most. The last time KC was in town, her evil love box caused a tornado to destroy the city, killing poor Duke Buchanan and blinding Evangeline (A not-so-sassy Renee Elise Goldsberry). Let that be a lesson to you laddies. If you eff your daddy's wife, a natural disaster will take you clean out, and rob the only black woman in town of one of her senses. It's in the bible.
What if Duke's mother, LeeAnn Demerest is somewhere out there smarting over the death of her beloved son? What if LeeAnn is blood thirsty for revenge over the loss of her boring offspring? Since the only appearances Yasmine Bleeth has added to her resume in recent years have been the occasional police lineup, I say recast the role with a sexy, lookalike soap starlet like Lesli Kay! Come June, soap opera's most frequent flyer will once again be out of gig, that's when Christopher Goutman will hammer shut the coffin on production of television's now longest-running scripted series, As The Microchips Turn.
Instead of Kay going back to The Bold and the Bewildering to wring her hands over the goings on of Jacqueline MacInnes Wood and Jennifer Gareis, why not let her stay put on the East Coast for awhile to assume the role of LeeAnn on One Life?
Picture It: A mysterious figure with red talons palpitates news clippings announcing Kelly Cramer's enagement to remarry Kevin Buchanan. Okay, it's 2010, so instead of news clippings, picture the talons typing on a keyboard to bring up the Banner.com where she sees the engagement notice next to an advertisment for WASH IT! (TM) brand feminine hygiene products. The mysterious minx is so hacked off she picks up her laptop and crashes it into the wall. Don't worry Fronsie, the PC is still under warranty, so once Dell sends over a new one to OLTL's lone Gotham-based soap studio, you can dispatch one of your minions to pry it out of poor, efficient Frank Valentini's hands to send it to one of your pet show runners out in LA, although Jill Farren Phelps wil most likely wait to hear back from a focus group before deciding to boot it up.
Flash forward to Kelly and Kevin's wedding, when the mystery babe shows up, dressed in black and sits in the back, veiled, all mysterious like.
Dorian: I don't know who that veiled bitch is, but I want to know where she bought her hat!
John McBain: So do I!
(Marty and Natalie look on stunned).
John: What, heifers? Someone has to be the token gay cop now that Fish is gone!
(Just as Kelly and Kevin are about to say their "I Dos", LeAnn stands up, retrieves a derringer pistol from betwixt her ample bosom and fires off a round. Someone is hit, but who?! Suddenly, Teen Messica lunges for the assailant, whom she thinks she spies hiding a piece of scenery in her purse that Messica desperately wants to chew. In the scuffle, Teen Messica knocks the mystery woman's hat to the ground, revealing an oh-so-stylish bob.)
Gigi: See, THAT's so the look I was going for!
Rex: Me too!
Rex and Gigi's brat: Me Three!
Sierra Mist: Where are my daddies? Why am I named after a beverage choice?
Tom Pelphrey: Hey Teen Messica, I have an extra piece of scenery if you're still hungry?
Roxy: I was fucking Delia Ryan.
Viki: Oh my GAWD, it's LEEAnn Demerest! I can't DEAL with this, I only have ONE life to live. I need to go to Brussels, Georgia to FIND myself for THREE months. Don't worry, I'll be back soon, with a whole SLEW of side characters that will be written out in 2011.
Announcer: And the Daytime Emmy goes to, Erika Slezak!
(Robin Strasser pull out a pair of brass knuckles from her Christian Lacroix clutch.)
Who was shot? Hell, I don't know! I don't even know how this is supposed to end. Maybe this soap writing stuff is harder than I thought? Carry on.