Ah, it's nothing like a lame storyline to inspire my inner fan fiction writer. A few days ago, I wrote about how I would love for Days of Our Lives to attempt to salvage the Carly/Bo/Hope triangle by making Carly (Crystal Chappell) the long-lost daughter of original Salem schemer Susan Hunter Martin (Denise Alexander), now it's one of Alexander's other former soap stomping grounds which has me wishing I could hijack the keyboard, General Hospital.
Now I know what you're probably thinking, "Hasn't Jamey been gushing and raving about all things GH for months now?" and if you are saying that, you're close, but no stethoscope. Yes, I am unashamedly hooked on every single beat of the "Sins of a Father" storyline. I would argue the merits of that character-driven, realistic, emotionally resonant story arc with anyone. I also adore Luke and Tracy's (Anthony Geary and Jane Elliot) smart, sexy, senior storyline, which reminds me of one of my all-time favorite soap pairings, Santa Barbara's Lionel and Augusta (Nicholas Coster and Louise Sorel).
Then there's the other half of GH, the half that includes my poor Elizabeth Webber (Rebecca Herbst) stuck in one of daytime's smelliest, current tales, and my once-compelling Scrubs aka Robin and Patrick (Kimberly McCullough and Jason Thompson), islanded in some beyond lame, "Z" story featuring milquetoast interloper Dr. Lisa Somethingoranother and soap veteran Scott Reeves asSinging Dr. Steven Lars Webber. Bor-ing.
I might be jolted out of the coma the latter snorey-line inspires, if Patrick and Singing Dr. Steven Lars Webber were fighting over Robin, you know, the character with actual rooting value with the fans of this soap, but I cannot for the life of me figure out what is so all-fired appealing about this Lisa that it would make not one, but two spiky-haired medicos constantly threaten to untie their scrubs and pull out their human tongue depressors to ask her to measure them.
I can't believe I've wasted all these words to get to the point, which is— Lisa sucks! Get rid of her, but do it in a fun, vicious way that could drive new story for months to come and harken back to classic 80's-style whodunits, like "Who Killed Susan Moore?"! Got your gloves ready, cause here comes the pitch.
What if Singing Dr. Steven Lars Webber's cuckoo-for-cocoa puffs mother Heather Webber (Robin Mattson) breaks out of her current Funny Farm, only to learn Dr. Lisa Whatsherface is playing her beloved son against Patrick, and decides to slit her from stem to sturn?
It's been along time since a soap had a good, old-fashioned murder mystery. Lisa's death could be just the catalyst GH needs to re-energize the rest of its non-mob related canvas. What if, to up the ante, Heather frames Patrick for Lisa's murder? Maybe a lurking Heather overhears Singing Dr. Steven Lars Webber complaining to Liz about how Patrick keeps making things difficult for him at work? Heather could decide, almost literally, to kill two birds with one scalpel.
When the instrument Heather uses to gut Lisa like a cod snapper turns up in Patrick's locker at GH, no one knows what to believe— including Robin. Patrick looks even more guilty when "Lisa's" private, password protected, online journal turns up and it's filled with posts about a "torrid affair" she'd been having with Patrick. Patrick finds himself in the fight of his life, as a devastated Robin turns to Singing Dr. Steven Lars Webber for comfort. Did I mention he sings? Okay. Just wanted to make sure.
Patrick's n'er-do-well father, Singing Dr.Noah Drake (Rick Springfield) could briefly return to town, to support his son, and challenge Singing Dr. Steven Lars Webber's position at GH. Noah could be the voice of reason, singing stating loudly to anyone who will listen that Singing Dr. Steven Lars Webber, having been involved with Lisa at the time of her death, should be seen as a person of interest in the case.
Noah could hire Alexis Davis (Nancy Lee Grahn) to represent his son, putting Lexy on the opposite side of her new beau Mac (John Scorpio), who wants to throw the book at Patrick for hurting Robin. Imagine the look on a stunned Mac's face when Alexis gets him thrown off the case, citing his bias.
Robin erroneously believes Patrick cheated on her with Lame Lisa, thinking he must have wanted to pay her back for almost straying in the throes of post partum depression, or because of her inability to move past her tragic, teen years romance with Stone. Patrick vehemently denies straying and begs Robin not to lose faith in them. It's a good thing Robin's BFF Brenda (Vanessa Marcil) is back in town to support her, or she just might go off the deep end! :p
A suspended Mac decides he owes it to Robin to make crystal clear Patrick is guilty, before allowing him to be sent up the river. He doesn't want to let his angry Uncle Bear schtick cause little Emma to grow up without a father. Alexis is pleased at this turn of events and the two make hot, tender love, which, of course, precocious, little Molly walks in on mid-afterglow!
When Heather realizes Mac is getting too close to the truyth, she bashes him across the head with a tire iron and leaves him for dead on the pier. Jason (Steve Burton) finds Mac and calls an ambulance. Jason has some sort of recall from his pre-Med, pre-brain fart days and is able to keep Mac stable.
Mac is rushed to GH, desperately in need of emergency neurosurgery. Claire Walsh (Dahlia Salem) has Jason brought in for questioning, thinking he attacked the police commish. Robin calls Claire an idiot Brenda Bot and tells her there is no way Jason would ever hurt someone she loved. Jason gets out of jail and he and Robin share a bittersweet moment where she thanks him for getting her uncle the help he needed. An earnest Jason says he'll always be there for her. When Robin asks Jason if he saw who did this to Mac, he says he found Mac already unconscious.
Singing Dr. Steven Lars Webber informs Robin, Alexis and Maxie (Kristen Storms) that Mac's chances don't look good without one helluva surgeon. Robin realizes the only person who can save Mac is Patrick.
Robin heads off to see Claire. She begs the Brenda Bot to secure Patrick's release from Pentonville in time to save her uncle. This enrages an unstable Heather (who's stalking Robin's every move) even more. If Mac—who doesn't want Robin to jump into a new relationship with Singing Dr. Steven Lars Webber— and Patrick are both out of the way, Heather's son can finally be happy, and isn't that really what every mother wants for her son?
Heather is very cross that Robin doesn't seem to understand how lucky she is to have a mother's approval. She decides to teach Robin a lesson she won't soon forget. While everyone is at GH waiting to see if Patrick can repair the damage to Mac's brain, Heather breaks in on Kate (Megan Ward) and little baby Emma. The usually icy fashionista has offered to babysit the tyke so that Maxie— who had been watching Emma— could go to the hospital.
A terrified Kate asks Heather who she is, and how she got into Robin's house. Heather tells Kate she's a friend of the family, slowly coming closer. Kate mutters the creepy woman looks famliar. She remembers an article she read onTempo.com about a psychotic woman who had married billionaire Edward Quartermaine (John Ingle) a few years back, and ultimately tried to kill the patriarch and his adopted granddaugther Skye (Robin Christopher). Just as Kate makes the realization that the same woman is standing there in Robin and Patrick's living room, Heather pulls out a scapel.
CUT TO: The hospital where Patrick and Singing Dr. Steven Lars Webber must work together to save Mac's life, as a devastated Robin, Alexis and Maxie look on. Mac, has an outer body experience, where he sees Georgie (Lindze Letherman), Dominque (Shell Danielson) and Katherine Bell (Mary Beth Evans), all who encourage him to keep fighting.
CUT TO: Kate frantically pulling out her Blackberry to text Coleman. She presses send before she feels the pain slice through her body.
CUT TO: Spinelli (Bradford Anderson) showing up to comfort his Maximista, then spies her hugging Matt (Jason Cook).
CUT TO: Robin realizing she has some calls to make.
CUT TO: Back at the apartment, Stone Cold asking Spinelli to hack into Lisa's online journal to find out if the dead, lame character really set it up or not. Spinelli dives into the task, realizing if he can free Patrick for good, he will once again hold the top spot in Maxie's heart.
CUT TO: Heather Webber, holding Emma in her arms, shushing her by calmly singing a lullaby. As Heather walks to the door, she steps over a limp, pale wrist, streaked in blood with a designer bracelet and immaculate, crimson nails, which match the blood flawlessly.
CUT TO: Robin at the nurses' desk, making a call on her Blackberry.
Robin: Hello, Dad? I need you and Mom to come home...