I was so inspired by ABC's first batch of What If webisodes, that this evening on Twitter, I decided to draft a pitch of my very own for a similar web series for CBS Daytime's number one soap opera, The Young and the Restless. For my What If—What If Genoa City's Missing Waitstaff Became Swingers?, I focused on those missing-in-action side characters Y&R fans came to love over the years, but for some odd reason, vanished like sailors in the Bermuda Triangle or Lynn Marie Latham, never to be heard from again. Below I've copied and pasted my Twitter Opera in its entirety.
Int. Chancellor Mansion. Day.
(Kay walks in with Jill. They are arguing.)
Kay: I don't care who your father is. You slept with my husband, you nail buffing bitch!
Jill: What are you talking about, you old prune? I didn't touch Murphy! He smells of fish bait. Have you ever gone into the bathroom after he finished in there?
Kay: Not Murphy, you retconned whore! Phillip, my darling, Phillip...
(Kay pauses as she takes in the scene in her living room. Miguel, the Newman's long-missing manservant has Esther Valentine booted over the living room couch.)
Kay: Dear God in Heaven!
Jill: I know, right? I always thought he was gay. I mean, not to be stereotypical, but he was a manny!
Kay: Oh shut up, Jill!
(Lynn, Paul Williams' once-virginal assistant, walks in carrying appetizers on a silver tray. She's naked, save for a strap on).
Mamie: Lynn, girl it's about time you got back with those Ritz Crackers (product placement). Miguel worked up quite an appetite in me!
Kay: Mamie! I thought you were on a cruise?! Dear God in Heaven!
Mamie: Bitch, do you ever get tired of saying that? I've been off that cruise for seven seasons!
Brenda Barrett: He always leaves me standing in the rain.
Kay, Jill, Mamie, Lynn, Miguel and Esther in union: Wrong show, Vanessa.
Brenda Barrett: Wait? My agent said I was playing Victoria Newman?
Miguel: Nope, sorry Toots, it's back to the hospital for you! But, you can stay for awhile if you wants (Looks down at his junk. Looks up. Winks.)
Jill: I'm Jill Fenmore. That name means something in this town!
Brenda Barrett: Snort! No it doesn't! I don't even watch The Old and the Withering and I know that!
Jill: Well, we all can't have your magical, network-saving name, now can we? Vanessa Marcil Carlysimonfragglerock!!!!!
John Black: Hey, Jill Fenmore. I know what you're going through. Overzealous, hack writers kept retconning me too. (Stares. Smells farts.)
Jill: Really? Did it work out okay for you?
John: F%^& no! They killed me off once, brought me back, made me a robot, then sent me outta town with a wheelchair and catheter.
Paul Rauch: Beverlee, I told you and Vicky Wyndham to settle down on the set! Okay, let's take the climax of Eterna from the top!
Lily Winters Ashby: Like, OMG, what is Eterna?
Victoria: Isn't that where He-Man and Orko live?
Billy: No, sweetie, that's Eternia. (rubs Victoria's lion's mane. She purs, much like Mr. Kitty before he died.)
Jeanne Cooper: To think, I turned down the role of Scarlett in Gone With The Wind.
Eric Braeden: How der yew all take part in this ridiculous blogger's brain fart skit without including ME?! Did you forget how many Soap Opera Digest covers I have? If yew were a man, Jeanne Cooper, I'd knee you in tha nads!
The End. Or is it?
(Victor's transvestite doppelganger shows up at the ranch...)