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Big Brother 13 Recap: Fast Forward

In honor of the Fast Forward episode, let’s get this out of the way: Poor Britney opened Pandora’s Box and JESSIE (Season 10/Season 11) popped out, marking the first time Jessie has ever been inside a woman’s box.

Brenda shaved his hair and dunked himself in green chum to win POV, the net result being that I thought Shrek was in the house. To that end, Matt played Donkey by NOT exposing the Brigade (who were trying to evict him) and instead sold out best bud Ragan (who was loyal to him), which culminated in Matt appearing untrustworthy, thereby giving the Brigade its reason to evict him. Oh the irony, it’s like rain on your wedding day, or in Matt and Ragan’s case: rain on your commitment ceremony.


Enzo also chose to give up all his clothes in the aforementioned POV competition, but the show mercifully placed him in a penguin suit instead. Those of us with functioning eyeballs are grateful to the producers. Especially since Hayden carried out Enzo’s requirement, by abandoning all of his own shirts this week. Hayden also won the Fast Forard HOH and nominated Brenda, Ragan and Britney (as replacement when Ragan won POV) ALL of whom felt safe with him for different reasons. Is it Christmas? Nah, that’s just Hayden snowing all the other houseguests (and running away with this game).  And the ax finally fell on Brenda, who was evicted only a few days after he cut off his hair to stay in the game. Which I guess makes him Samson…or Felicity.  

As for recent developments (and some SPOILERS): Lane won the next HOH because Enzo sucks, and he smartly nominated Ragan and Enzo (so Britney wouldn’t be hip to the Lane/Hayden side-alliance). Enzo stopped sucking for one minute, like a hooker coughing up a hairball, and actually won POV, so Lane then nominated Hayden (!) to keep Britney unawares (lest she win POV next week and decide to split Hayden/Lane). So now Ragan is screwed…and not in the way he’d like to be screwed by Lane or Hayden. Oh yeah, and Ragan cracked the Brigade code (finally) but as Whitney once said: crack is cheap. With only the Brigades and their cheerleader left in the game, that info is as late as Boobarella’s period, and as pointless as the Saboteur.

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Didn’t think I’d forget Boobarella did you? I have to admit, these houseguests are so dull on the feeds, I actually wish we had a cam in the jury house, just to see what holy hell she's unleashing. I bet Matt’s in there still being loyal to the Brigade, and meter-maid Kathy still has no idea what’s going on. My predictions for the Jury Q&A: Matt will deliver his question tongue in cheek and hand in pants, Boobarella won’t let any jury member sit between HER AND HER MAN, and Kathy’s question will be, “Zzzzzz.”

As for those still in the game? Ragan is planning to pitch a F3 deal to Lane and Britney which honestly…they should go for. Lane cannot beat Hayden for jury votes (nor can anyone at this point); his best shot is to go to the finals with Britney or Ragan. Meanwhile, Britney let her personal animosity assist the eviction of the person she could most easily beat for jury votes (Brenda) and this week, she’s helping the boys evict her second best shot (Ragan). I love Britney but it pains me to see her playing so badly. Every time she talked about how much she wanted Brenda out of the house, I wondered if she didn’t have the same Britney/Brenda F2 vision I had, where all she’d have to do is stand up and say, “Who would you rather give the money to: me, or Rachel’s left boob?” and SIT BACK DOWN. She’d win in a 6-1 vote. Or 5-1 depending on whether Kathy took a nap before or during the actual voting.

And for all those fans online who kept saying that Brenda would win if he got to the end: um, NO he wouldn’t. Juries fundamentally vote for who they like most or dislike least, and Brenchel are despised in this house. And even if the houseguests started to like Brenda more on his own (which they didn’t) and respected him for winning his way to the end (which never matters), I guarantee you they’d still refuse to vote for him on the grounds that a vote for Brenda is a vote for Boobarella. She’s his Palin. And spending time in jury sequester with Brenchel would just remind the other houseguests why they evicted those two love-buzzards in the first place. And you know Boobarella would be all, "That is MY MAN in the Final 2! When he wins, I win and we r going 2 get marrreeeed! Woo hoo! I AM Vegas Wedding!!"

Finally, Hayden is playing the best game so far but he may have gotten cocky this week in letting Lane nominate him as a pawn. This season hasn’t produced a single house-flip, and it’d be kinda cool to see Ragan pull it off, with Britney voting to evict Hayden and Lane breaking the tie, thereby ousting his fellow Brigade. But don’t bet on it. Matt was the worst reader of people and Ragan couldn’t even read him. And Britney seems to be auditioning summer roommates for her beach house instead of playing smart.

Can I just fast forward to Hayden’s victory already? If Hayden is in the F2, the only qustion will be whether he wears a shirt on finale night.