I haven't written this column since Bob Barker was a wee lad, but the bananas ratings surge of CBS Daytime's The Bold and the Beautiful during the week of November 4-8 (Source: Soap Opera Network) was definitely inspiration enough to bring me out of the Rest Home For Retired Ranters and Ravers. Don't eat the pudding.
B&B went up 194,000 total viewers over the previous week, hitting 3.8 million viewers — that's the highest number of eyeballs for the half-hour sudser since the week of January 26-30, 2009!
B&B was up one-tenth of a point in households and among women 18-49. Among W18-34, the sudser held steady. In story, Dollar Bill (Don Diamont) listened to Miley Cyrus' "The Climb" and strutted his silly-yet-taut behind up the side of a mountain, only to almost fall to his death!
Elsewhere in SoCal, the borrowed Hope For The Future Diamond was burgled. Rick (Jacob Young) and Caroline (Linsey Godfrey) planned their upcoming nuptials and Maya (Karla Mosley) returned to Forrester Creations to strike a pose.
If y'all listened to last week's podcast, you already know I was too through with Dollar Bill, after his near-death epiphany caused him to dump my Brooke Logan (Katherine Kelly Lang) to return to ole' strict, preachy Katie (Heather Tom). However, the twist this week that Bill was only playing Katie to reclaim Spencer Publications proved classic Bell soap opera gold. More on that next week!
B&B's big sister sudser, The Young and the Restless dropped 77,000 total viewers over the previous week, but was up year-to-date by 424,000. The No. 1 soap fell two-tenths of a point in households, yet held steady among W18-49. Among W18-34, Y&R inched up one-tenth of a point.
In story, the Genoa City Police Department continued to act out lyrics to that Paula Abdul and MC Skat Kat song. Those fools kept going two steps forward and two steps back, while investigating how Lil Delia ended up like an extremely uncoordinated player of the classic video game Frogger.
They did manage to discover Adam's (Michael Muhney) SUV matched a description for the one that killed the Abbott heiress. Donuts for everyone!
Cricket Blair (Lauralee Bell) and Paul Williams (Doug Davidson) strived on in spending all of their airtime trying to help those felonious Fenmore-Baldwins. Adam and Chelsea (Melissa Claire Egan) brought Connor home with his fresh, sparkly, borrowed eye sockets and Neil (Kristoff St. John) hooked Hilary (Mishael Morgan) up with a job at Jabot, much to the chagrin of his young 'uns.
I bet when Ghost John (Jerry Douglas) haunts the halls of Jabot Cosmetics, he's like, "Who the *&^% are all these black people?! Is Mamie having a family reunion at the office? Where is my Beauty? Where is Billy? Jackie, explain this!"
Best part of Y&R the week in question was former stepmom and stepson/lovers Jill (Jess Walton) and Jack Abbott (Peter Bergman) teaming up to stop the Newman-Chancellor merger. Though I do wish they conducted business at Jabot and not pulled up side-by-side at the Sonic drive-thru. I wonder if Jack likes the way Billy makes Cherry Limeades? Route 44, please!
Y&R's Sony corporate cousin, Days of Our Lives went up 23,000 total viewers over the previous week. DAYS was in last place in all major demos, which is a crying shame considering how deliciously-sinful this soap has been for months.
Dr. Marlena Evans (Deidre Hall) once again brought shame to the Catholic Church, though this time it didn't involve levitating over any beds. Scratch that. I think I saw a drugged Father Eric (Greg Vaughan) rising to the occasion during his sex tape debut with Kristen DiMera (Eileen Davidson)!
Doc had problems with the flash drive early in the week and sought out help from a scheming Victor (John Aniston). There wasn't time to watch the incriminating footage before the Bristen wedding, so Marlena just uploaded and let a rip! Half of Salem, U.S.A. watched in horny horror as Kristen raped the town friar in HD. What. An. Incredible. Wedding.
In less interesting Salem developments, Rafe (Galen Gering) and Jordan (Chrishell Stause) continued to have snore-tastic conversations and Gabi (Camila Banus) got an offer to become the most in demand teen mom with a gay baby daddy in the country, if not the world!
I was much more intrigued by Daniel (Shawn Christian) continuing to cover for JJ's (Casey Moss) messy behind and bonding with Nicole (Arianne Zucker). I didn't think so the first time around, but Daniel and Nicole have promising chemistry. Bring back Frankie Brady (Billy Warlock) for Jennifer (Melissa Reeves) and let's be done with the scourge known as Dannifer forever!
General Hospital fell 107,000 total viewers over the previous week and was down year-to-date by 24,000. GH held steady in households, but dropped a tenth of a point in W18-49 and among W18-34.
Robin Scorpio (Kimberly McCullough) continued to ache for the loved ones she isn't permitted to be with. Britt (Kelly Thiebaud) and Elizabeth (Rebecca Herbst) hissed, spat milk and knocked over their kitty litter, all because Prince Nikolas (Tyler Christopher) has been working out his upper body a bit more lately.
Luke (Anthony Geary) kept talking about wanting to do kinky things with Mexican food to Tracy (Jane Elliot). Maybe Laura's (Genie Francis) lucky she's safely tucked away in Paris, with nothing to eat but croissants and freedom fries...
Franco (Roger Howarth) swore Morgan (Bryan Craig) was getting booted over and penetrated by Derek Wells (William deVry), as the older daddy's firm, rigid abdomen glistened against the suprisingly hairy twink's... Oh sorry, that's just some fan fic I was reading somewhere on those naughty interwebs!
Carly (Laura Wright) believed Franco was motor-boating Diane (Carolyn Hennesy). Sonny (Maurice Benard) planned one killer of a performance art piece finale for Franco's show. Scotty (Kin Shriner) hit pay dirt in his race for D.A. He better be lucky former Santa Barbara, California District Attorney Keith Timmons (Justin Deas) isn't in the running!
Oh, and crazy-as-a-skunk-in-an-empty-moonshine-bottle, Heather Webber (Robin Mattson) stole Franco's art show, by revealing not only was she the real artist, but the reformed serial killer's mama!
GH was a wild, wacky ride of edge-of-your-seat shenanigans the week in question. I'm sure all the anti-campsters will just simply love that the ratings dipped during such an over-the-top week, but I was in Ham Heaven. In fact, I think I saw James E. Reilly's ghost at that art show. See you next Ratings!