Last week on The Young and the Restless, a machiavellian schemer with a gorgeous, new face rescued his equally-gorgeous mortal enemy/big brother from a bear trap; only to later lock eyes with the wife who believes him dead. On The Bold and the Beautiful, a pregnant, blonde fashion icon tumbled down the most magnificent outdoor stairwell anyone has ever seen, following a confrontation with her mother-in-law. General Hospital revealed its most popular antihero is still being held prisoner by a doppelganger in league with a collective bargaining unit comprised of the serial's most deadly supervillains. On Days of Our Lives, some bland 20-somethings screwed a lot; while on the other side of town, a pair of sisters tried to trick a coed into believing her grandpa was sick in order to keep her away from her boyfriend. Which of these mini-recaps reeks from the stench of sheer, unadulterated boredom?
While I totally disagree with my partner-in-blogging Luke Kerr's recent podcast assertion that Days of Our Lives has been awful for the past 18 months (save for one or two stories)—I maintain DAYS was the best soap in daytime for the first half of 2014—there's no denying something has been amiss in Salem U.S.A. since the on-screen departures of Alison Sweeney (ex-Sami) and James Scott (ex-EJ).
How did the same writers who masterfully scripted Nick Fallon's (Blake Berris) reign of terror; EJ and Abigail's (Kate Mansi) destructively-hot affair; JJ's (Casey Moss) primal, teen rage; Sami and Kate's (Lauren Koslow) vengeance and all things Kristen DiMera (Eileen Davidson), come to surmise Abigail being humped by a male model—as his family of too-boring-to-be-trashy no-goodniks replaced the Hortons and Bradys as Salem's central clans—would make for entertaining television?
Speaking of the Bradys, Hope (Kristian Alfonso), the same heroine who once helped stop a serial killer in England and transformed into a jewel-thieving princess one New Year's Eve, spent the week passing out food to poor people in the town square. While a most noble feat in real life, that scenario was boring as fu** to watch on a serialized drama.
Okay, there was supposed to be some tension provided by day player children dropping clues that Hope's new beau might murder his wives for money. Unfortunately, cleaning the jam out of my toenails proved more suspenseful.
Kate Roberts, arguably the most sexually viable great-grandmother in television history, squabbled with her former Latin lover, after humping a child predator earlier in the week. I didn't find the scenes where Jordan (Chrishell Stause) confronted a robe-clad Kate and Clyde (James Read) provocative. I found them disgusting and not in a good way.
Jordan was raped by this man as a teenager. She isn't Kate's rival for his affections; she's a victim! Granted, Kate doesn't know Clyde forced himself on his teenage stepdaughter, but it was still skeevy to watch her gloat about boning Chester the Child Molester.
It was even more painful to watch two of the soaps best schemers, Eve (Kassie DePaiva) and Theresa Donovan (Jen Lilley), scurrying around that hideous apartment set trying to trick doe-eyed Paige (True O'Brien) into believing super spy Shane Donovan (Charles Shaughnessy) is so sick out in California, they all have to head to Salem International Airport, STAT. Paige isn't on Facebook with her Paw-Paw Shane and Step-Mee-Maw Kim (Patsy Pease)? She couldn't Skype them for confirmation of her mom and aunt's cockamamie story?
The one saving grace in Salem last week was the return of Molly Burnett as naughty Nurse Melanie Jonas. Here's hoping the daughter of Dr. Dan (Shawn Christian), granddaughter of Maggie (Suzanne Rogers), ex-flame of NuChad (Billy Flynn), BFF of Brady (Eric Martsolf) and frenemy of Abigail managed to provided the DAYS writing room with some semblance of a muse. Lord and Alice Horton know they need one.